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In Loving Memory of Vic

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Need to get to a meeting and speak to someone right away? Below is a list of online meetings and resources to help you find a meeting and fellowship.

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I Am Alive – Who Would Have Thought?

I come here to speak only of Gratitude of a new life that I’ve been able to find through doing the things that have been asked of me.  I come here never thinking that a Junkie like myself would be able to have another Chance at Recovery.

Almost 2 1/2 years ago when my Sister Marie Died in February, I thought my life had ended.  It was me that was suppose to die, not her.  I didn’t understand how someones health could just go so so fast.  I still have no understanding.  She died in February like I said, I knew I was on the verge of breaking.  I was making music videos and I never realized until later how I could see myself in those Videos asking for help.  Knowing that I was about to try it all again, to cover the pain of her death.

In May of 2009 I think it was 🙁 I walked down a few blocks to Casey’s Convenient Store to buy just one 6 pack of bud Bottles.  I walked back home and I sat there.  I even took a picture of me drinking the first drink.  I had no clue what was in store for me at the time.  As the night went on, and from another picture of 4 beer bottles stacked on my entertainment center top in a pyramid fashion (which I don’t remember) I had already lost of my mental facilities that I had acquired.  I had just given up 26 or 28 months of continuous sobriety.

I don’t remember much of that at all, all I remember is that I was already up for days, shooting dope into my veins.  I don’t even remember still to this day going and scoring it, or where I would have even been able to get it….What how could this have happened to me.  Or did I already relapse in Lincoln Nebraska where I remember trying to get high but I didn’t?

I was on a roll, a roll of the life that I remember telling a friend (girl) that I just wanted to be able to use this summer, live the life that I like and than sober up.  God can take me than.

Well that summer came and went.  And the fall and the winter came again after that.  Another summer?  WTF!  I was trapped.  I had no way out.  What was it going to take.  Than I was using with my kids!  OMG this has to stop!  But how, I have tried to stop, I can’t.

August 18, 2010 using only pot to kill the pain that I live with daily.  Off of meth now, but I can’t use pot anymore no matter how painful my body is.  Tempting to use, but just hanging on.

I don’t have a lot of meetings, not physically able to go.  So I continue to do the Internet websites, trying to be there for others, trying to be of service to others, trying to learn how to live from the people who I can have contact with even though I don’t see or talk to them?  Is it possible….

Attitude up and down like a roller coaster from hell…deleting sites on purpose sometimes when I would just get so mad.  Than I thought maybe I should get back on my medication that I am suppose to be on for my depression.  I did not wanting to but I did.  Than I heard from a good friend on line that she was going to do her meditations each morning before she got on the computer.  I thought to myself, yeah what a brilliant idea!  So I started that next morning to do what she said she was doing.

Still to this day, I have my coffee, cigarettes, and my “Personal Time” with my HP whomever it is I don’t try and analyze anymore, I just accept that there is some force that is within me for the good.  I have ruined many relationships this time around, I have asked for forgiveness and just try and not repeat the same things again.

I wouldn’t trade it for anything today.  My life today is something that I just keep being more amazed with each and everyday.  My health, I don’t talk much about anymore, I am just very blessed to be alive.  I”M ALIVE AND I AM A JUNKIE!

Thanks for allowing me to share!

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